Everyone Grab a Leg
by MinnieMay14
Summary: A strange everyone-wants-Legolas one-shot. Do not read if you're not comfortable with total and complete gayness at it's goofiest


Just me being crazy. Don't take any of this seriously. And again, you really shouldn't read this if you don't want to see all the male characters (minus Legolas) being gay and making complete asses of themselves. I don't own any of the characters, and I'm not responsible for any damages made while reading this fic. Right? Good? Ok. 

Everyone Grab a Leg

Frodo stood alone on one of the many platforms overlooking the elfin city, Rivendell. He let out a heavy sigh as he watched groups of Elves bustle about far below him in the noonday light. _I wonder where he is..._ Frodo thought drearily as he counted the hundreds of blond heads passing below.

"Frodo?" A distinct, sexy voice called from behind him.

Frodo's face alit with glee at the sound of the voice. "Legolas!" He greeted fervently, spinning around to face the elf approaching him. _Oh goody!_ Frodo thought, an obvious smile on his face. _He came to me._

"How are you?" Legolas asked good-naturedly as his came to stand next to the young hobbit.

"I'm... _fine_." Frodo replied, staring openly as the elf bent to lean his elbows on the low wall bordering the platform. Legolas looked like a blithe feline relaxing his long body against the wall.

"I'm glad," Legolas continued politely. "I know you've been feeling a bit dispirited." He turned to smile warmly at the hobbit. "You know, you can always come talk to me if you're feeling down."

Frodo clutched the wall as inconspicuously as he could, fighting the urge to swoon. "Th-Thanks," he said, a blush creeping to his cheeks. "I really appreciate all you've done... for me." He waited a moment and gathered his breath. "But... there's just one more thing I wish you would do."

"Anything." Legolas agreed, not expecting any big favor to be asked of him.

Frodo twisted his hands behind his back awkwardly. "Kiss me." he said bluntly. 

Legolas dropped his light smile. "Excuse me?"

Frodo clicked his heels and poked his fingertips together embarrassedly. "I've been madly in love with you for a while, now, Legolas. At least give me a teensy-weensy little kiss?"

Legolas stepped back. "Um... I'm sorry, but I don't swing that way. Especially not with children."

"But I want to _bear_ your children, Legolas!" Frodo exclaimed, jumping out to hug the young man.

Legolas sprang back, out of the overly zealous boy's reach. "You know what? I just remembered, I have this really important meeting thing with Aragorn right now so... Igottagobye!" With that, he turned and ran away.

__

Drat. Frodo thought._ I lost him!_

Legolas only glanced back once as he scurried down a stairway leading towards the place he'd last seen Aragorn. _What on earth was that all about?_ He wondered as he made his way down and finally entered the large, open room leading out to a balcony. On the balcony stood Aragorn. "Aragorn!" Legolas called, striding up to the other man fretfully.

"Well hello there," Aragorn greeted, smiling strangely at his friend. "Is something the matter?"

"Actually..." he admitted uneasily, "I just had a rather awkward run-in with Frodo. He confessed his passionate love for me and asked me to kiss him."

Aragorn quirked an eyebrow. "Is that so?" he said curtly. "Well, I'll have to talk to him later, then."

Legolas was about to thank him, before Aragorn continued. 

"I thought I specifically told him to stay away from you until I had a chance to win you over."

Legolas blinked, very confused.

"You see, Legolas my dear, I've been lustfully attracted to you for a while, now." He poised a hand under his chin suavely. "And I thought maybe-" 

Legolas was gone before Aragorn could finish, sprinting out the way he'd come as fast as his cat-like legs would carry him.

"Aww!" Aragorn pouted. "Wegowas doesn't want to go out with widdle ol' me!"

Wegowas- I mean... Legolas, was, in all his elfie goodness, extremely disturbed.

__

First Frodo, now Aragorn. WHAT is going on here?

He finally made it to his room and thankfully threw the door open, seeking peace with its confines.

His jaw hit the floor when he was welcomed by the scene inside.

Lying stretched out over his bed, (which had been mysteriously redecorated with red silk bed sheets), was Boromir. Boromir dressed in a slutty, overly ornate, feathery swan suit. He was reclining against the headboard, propped up on his elbows with his legs positioned openly in front of him. The overwhelming scent of perfume hung in the air, causing Legolas to gag. Boromir made kissy lips and beckoned to Legolas. "I've been waiting for you for a while, sexy man."

Legolas leapt back into the hall and slammed the door shut, locking it with an ancient elfin sealing spell. Panting fearfully, he let out the shiver he'd been suppressing. "Good GODS!!!" he shrieked. "I NEVER want to see that EVER again!!!" He took out down the hallway again, desperately seeking anyone he knew to be sane. 

He didn't have to wait long, or so he thought, as shouts of "Master Legolas!" graced his elfin ears.

He came to a jump-stop in front of Sam, Merry, and Pippin, who had been gathered in the hall not far from him. "Aw!" Legolas exclaimed. "My three favorite hobbits! Have you, by any chance, talked to Frodo within the last ten minutes?'

"Yes," Merry replied. "Actually, we were just talking to him a minute ago. He seemed very upset that you had deliberately evaded his attempts to make a move on you."

Legolas tried to keep a patient face. "Yes, well, I suppose you explained to him that I am much too old for him to try his courtship on me."

The three hobbits smiled evilly and stepped a little closer to Legolas, blocking him from escaping through them and certainly invading his sacred personal space. "Actually," Pippin said, latching on to one of Legolas' arms, "we were kind of glad you turned him down.

"Yeah," Sam agreed, occupying Legolas' other arm. "Because you know-"

Legolas seized Sam by the shoulders and held the small boy an arm's length in front of him. "Sam?" he questioned desperately. "Who do you love? Frodo, right?!"

Sam bat his eyelashes. "Well I used to," he cooed seductively. "But now I realize that I don't need a boy. I need a man. For a while now, I've been very hormonally attracted to you, Legolas."

"Me two!" Merry said, rubbing against the elf. 

"And me three!" Pippin squealed.

Legolas screamed, shaking the three boys off him like water on a dog. "EVERYONE'S GONE CRAZY!!!" he shouted as he dashed off again down the hallway.

He finally made it out into the daylight when he was suddenly confronted by Gandalf. "There you are, my dear boy!" he exclaimed, catching the elf in a bear hug and giving him a big smooch on the lips. "What do you say you and I-"

With a blood-curdling cry, Legolas wriggled free of Gandalf's grasp and continued running, never looking back. "Old man attack!!!" He sobbed, scrubbing his lips furiously.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Gimli running towards him from the other side of a field. Or at least what looked like Gimli. Gimli wearing a pink flower dress with a ring of meadow flowers sitting prettily over his bushy brown hair.

"WHAT THE F---!?"

"Oh, Leggie-kins!"

"Somebody help me!" Legolas was too ashamed to look back at his crazed friend as he sped out the gates of the city.

Panting, he finally reached a safe hiding place out in the woods. Immediately he dropped to his knees, prepared to beg for mercy from the gods.

"Oh, Leggie-poo?"

"Le-go-las? Where are you?"

"Come out, come out, wherever you are, snookums!"

OK, forget the mercy. Just strike them dead with lightning where they stand.

"There he is!"

Anytime now.

"Legolas! We've got you now!"

I DON'T SEE ANY LIGHTNING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything went into slow motion.

Legolas running.

Legolas tripping.

Legolas being smothered by a horde of sex crazed Legolas fanboys.

Oh my.

Far away, in the darkest depths of Mount Doom, an evilly hooded figure stood over a looking glass. Sitting on his evilly finger was the great ring of power. The evilly figure chucked, then laughed, then cackled hoarsely at himself. "Screw Almighty power and the destruction of the world!" he said. "This kinky shit is way more fun!"

THE END -__-; 

Don't ask...this is just a display of my lowest sense of humor. But I must admit, I love every moment of my insanity. And twisted endings. Plz be nice if you review. 


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